The Best (and Worst) of 2013

Oleh Unknown

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Best movie: Gravity

(2. The Wolf of Wall Street 3. Blue is the Warmest Color 4. The Conjuring 5. Mud 6. Her 7. Captain Phillips 8. Blue Jasmine 9. Stoker 10. The Hunt)

Alfonso Cuaron's Gravity is the perfect movie. It's a beautiful, breathtaking spectacle and the most spectacular cinematic experience I've ever had. It's a technical marvel but it has a very strong heart at the center of it - wonderful, highly relatable story of a human being with flaws and imperfections, struggling to survive and achieving just that because of the beauty and the capability of human spirit. In the world filled with so much evil, it's important to make films like that - that show us that humans can achieve wonderful things too. If only by staying alive and appreciating the very miracle of it.

Best actor: Tom Hanks as Richard Phillips in Captain Phillips

You're not just a fisherman! You're not just a fisherman!

(2. Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club, 3.Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street 4. Mads Mikkelsen, The Hunt 5. Christian Bale, American Hustle)

Leonardo DiCaprio is fantastic and delivers his best work in The Wolf of Wall Street. Mikkelsen is incredible in The Hunt McConaughey is nearly as good as he was in Killer Joe in Dallas Buyers Club. But Hanks delivers his career best work as Richard Phillips. And when you say 'career best' about someone with career like Hanks' you should be careful. But when you see the ending to Captain Phillips' - the year's most shocking, beautiful, moving, powerful, intense and cathartic moment, I have a sneaky feeling you'll agree with me.

Best actress: Cate Blanchett as Jasmine in Blue Jasmine

There's only so many traumas a person can withstand until they take to the streets
and start screaming.

(2. Adele Exarchopulous, Blue is the Warmest Color 3. Sandra Bullock, Gravity 4. Vera Farmiga, The Conjuring 5. Rosario Dawson, Trance)

Over the years Cate Blanchett has given us so many wonderful, unforgettable performances. But her shaken, broken, struggling Jasmine is a whole new level of greatness. It's a difficult performance to pull off but Blanchett manages to do that with her usual grace. This is the masterclass of acting.

Best supporting actor: Jonah Hill as Donnie Azoff in The Wolf of Wall Street

Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people lauding and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

(2. Jonah Hill, This is the End 3. Matthew Goode, Stoker 4. Daniel Bruhl, Rush 5 .Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club 6. Tony Danza, Don Jon 7. Tom Hiddleston, Thor: The Dark World 8. Bradley Cooper, American Hustle 9. Bill Nighy, About Time)

Hill is a damn good actor. You can talk shit about him, I don't care. He is genuinely funny and even if the jokes in his comedies cross the line, he makes them work. He was my win for This is the End until I saw The Wolf of Wall Street. He was so great. DiCaprio is amazing but Hill never lets him overshadow him. From the little things he does - from the panicked look he has while he is sitting alone in the office after Brad was arrested - to explosion of comedy like his ridiculous scream during Lemmons scene, this is a wonderful performance all the way.

Best supporting actress: Sarah Paulson as Mistress Epps in 12 Years a Slave

Sometimes, you have to beat it from them.

(2. Margot Robbie, The Wolf of Wall Street 3. Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine 4. Scarlett Johansson, Don Jon 5. Lupita Nyong'o, 12 Years a Slave 6. Nicole Kidman, Stoker 7. Naomie Harris, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom)

This is what usually happens to me in this category. With the exception of Chastain in The Help several years back, Best Supporting Actress is always a choice of mine that biggest awards choose to ignore. And Sarah Paulson layered, nuanced work in 12 Years a Slave deserves all the praise. Months after seeing the movie the loudly applauded performances of Eijofor, Fassbender and Nyong'o are all but gone from my mind while it's Benedict Cumberbatch's wonderful performance and genuinely interesting character and Paulson's broken, bitter woman covering her heartbreak and flaws with cruelty and icy demeanor that stayed with me. Mistress Epps doesn't hate slaves. She doesn't make life unbearable for them. Unless they have the misfortune of her husband being attracted to them. We don't know much of her past but the ferocious jealousy, contempt for her husband and her life and overwhelming bitterness drive her to cruelty, much like fondness for alcohol drives her husband. And her kind of cruelty is much more interesting to watch than his.

Best director: Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity (2. Martin Scorsese, The Wolf of Wall Street 3. Jeff Nichols, Mud 4. Chan-wook Park, Stoker 5. Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips 6. Woody Allen, Blue Jasmine)
Best screenplay: Gravity (2. This is the End, 3.The Wolf of Wall Street 4. Blue Jasmine 5. Mud)

Best music: Steven Price, Gravity (2. Mud 3. Stoker 4. Trance 5. Only God Forgives)
Best track: Shenzou, Gravity (2. Sister, Only God Forgives 3. Safe Now, Captain Phillips, 4. Your Friends Ain't Gonna Leave With You, Spring Breakers 5. Stealing Motor, Mud))
Best costumes: Oz: The Great and Powerful (2. Stoker 3. Thor: The Dark World)
Best cinematography: Gravity (2. Stoker 3. Trance 4. Prisoners 5.Mud)
Best editing: Gravity (2. Stoker 3. Mud 4. Rush 5. The Wolf of Wall Street)
Best visual effects: Gravity (2. Oz 3. Pacific Rim 4. Thor: The Dark World 5. This is the End)
Best tagline: Don't let go, Gravity
Biggest Disappointment: The Counselor (2. 12 Years a Slave 3. Man of Steel 4. Only God Forgives)
Worst Performance by an Actress: Cameron Diaz, The Counselor (2. Carey Mulligan, The Great Gatsby)

Worst Performance by an Actor: Ryan Gosling, Only God Forgives (2. Michael Shannon, Man of Steel, 3. Hugh Jackman, Prisoners)
Most Overhyped: Prisoners (2. 12 Years a Slave)
Worst Movie of the Year: Only God Forgives (2. The Great Gatsby 3. Mama 4. Insidious 2, 5. Carrie 6. The Way Way Back)

Biggest Miscast: Chloe Grace Moretz, Carrie (2. James Franco, Oz, 3. Cameron Diaz, The Counselor)
Underrated: Beautiful Creatures (2. Stoker 3. Trance)
Best Scene of the year:The ending of Captain Phillips (2. Fire extinguisher flight, Gravity 3. Hey Ryan, It's time to go home, Gravity 4. Lemmons scene, The Wolf of Wall Street 5. Mud sees Juniper for the last time, Mud 6. Mia kills Charlie, Stoker 7. The Exorcism, The Conjuring)

Funniest scene: The you don't cum in my place argument, This is the End (2. The Lemmons scene, The Wolf of Wall Street 3. Take your suit, take your dick and move your ass!, The Wolf of Wall Street 4. Shh. Shh. Shut the fuck up!, The Wolf of Wall Street 5. O M G Jay I'm so sorry, This is the End 6. Ryan Gosling's maniacal TAKE IT OFF, Only God Forgives 7. Loki is dead, OH THANK GOD, Thor: The Dark World, 8. The guy choking in the restaurant and Ashton trying to help, The Heat, 9. Gatsby throwing his shirts at Daisy + Tobey McGuire shaking the bowls, The Great Gatsby)
The most I cried during the movie: Gravity (2. Captain Phillips)
The most shocking scene; Michael Douglas waking Matt Damon up by giving him a hand job, Behind the Candelabra (2. Jonah Hill being raped by the demon, This is the End 3. Rosario Dawson...shaving, Trance)
Best Kiss: Adele and Emma in Blue is the Warmest Color
Best Fight: Jordan vs Donnie - BRAAAAAD, The Wolf of Wall Street (2. Ryan vs the will to give up, Gravity 3. Emma Watson vs the guys, This is the End)

Best Chemistry: Loki and everything around him, Thor: The Dark World (2. Mia Wasikowska and Matthew Goode, Stoker 3. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, The Conjuring 4. George Clooney and Sandra Bullock, Gravity)

Best Quotes: I WILL NOT DIE SOBER!, The Wolf of Wall Street (2. Of course I drink and smoke, I'm on the cleanse I'm not psychotic, This is the End 3. I get it, it's nice up here. You could just shut down all the systems, turn down all the lights, just close your eyes and tune out everyone. There's nobody up here that can hurt you. It's safe. What's the point of going on? What's the point of living? Your kid died, it doesn't get any rougher than that. It's still a matter of what you do now. If you decide to go then you just gotta get on with it. Sit back, enjoy the ride, you gotta plant both your feet on the ground and start living life. Hey, Ryan, it's time to go home, Gravity 4. Dear God, it's me, Jonah Hill... from Moneyball., This is the End 5. I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!, This is the End 6. No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the fuck down!, This is the End 7. So you are just here coincidentally, right in the middle of all the prostitutes? The Heat)

Best Line deliveries: Thank you, Gravity (2. I SAW YOU, ERIKA!!!, Blue Jasmine 3. Trust my rage, Thor: The Dark World 4. The fucker's got to go! GO! The fucker's gots to go!, This is the End 5. Hermione just stole all of our shit, This is the End 6, Look at all 'ma shit, Spring Breakers)

Best comedy peformance of the year: Jonah Hill, This is the End (2. James Franco, This is the End 3. Nick Offerman, We're the Millers 4. Kathryn Hahn, We're the Millers 5. Seth Rogen, This is the End 6. Danny McBride, This is the End 7. Melissa McCarthy, The Heat 8. Sandra Bullock, The Heat)
Best performance under 20 minutes of screentime: Matthew McConaughey, The Wolf of Wall Street (2. Jean Dujardin, The Wolf of Wall Street 3. Tom Hollander, About Time 4. Rob Love, Behind the Candelabra)
Sweetest scene of the year: Foster kid - now you have a sister, The Heat (2. The ending to About Time)
Best Opening: Gravity

Best Ending: Captain Phillips (2. Gravity 3. The Hunt 4. This is the End 5. About Time 6. Stoker 7. Trance)
The Lisbeth Salander favorite hero award goes to: Elizabeth, Trance (2. Lorraine Warren, The Conjuring 3. Dr. Ryan Stone, Gravity)
The Joker favorite villain award goes to: Loki, Thor: The Dark World (2. Gravity, Gravity)

"I blacked out for a moment there' reaction for the hottest character of the year goes to: Loki, Tom Hiddleston, Thor: The Dark World (2. Charlie, Stoker 3. Matthew Kowalski, George Clooney, Gravity 4. Clara, Gemma Arterton, Byzantium, 5. Jean Jecques Saurel, Jean Dujardin, The Wolf of Wall Street 6. Stacker Pentecost, Idris Elba, Pacific Rim
"Am I high or did it actually happen?" question for the most ridiculous movie moment goes to:
Every scene in which the Counselor acted like the dumbest fuck in existence, The Counselor (2. The ending of Don Jon 3. The entirety of The Great Gatsby 4. Idris Elba blowing himself up in yet another summer blockbuster, Pacific Rim)

The Jar Jar binks facepalm gesture statute for the most annoying character of the year goes to: Julian in Only God Forgives.
The shirt with the scarlet H letter for the Hypocrite of the year goes to:
Guillermo Del Toro for shooting Idris Elba shirtless scenes and not featuring them in Pacific Rim (I call this - pulling Ridley Scott). If he does something like this with Hiddles in Crimson Peak I swear to God I'm sending him dogshit.

Flaming dog poo and eternal shame goes to: 1. The 'people' in the village in The Hunt (2. Adele's 'friends', Blue is the Warmest Colour 3. Whoever thought of that dog scene in Fruitvale Station)
Tree of Life bucket of coffee award for the most boring movie of the year goes to: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2 The Lone Ranger 3 The Bling Ring 4. Fruitvale Station)
Pussy Wagon travel in style award goes to: Naomi, the yacht, The Wolf of Wall Street
Tub Scene award for the hottest sexy scene of the year goes to: The Piano Duet, Stoker (2. Loki shielding Jane, Thor: The Dark World 3. Matt rescuing Ryan when she was spinning, Gravity 4. But no touching!, The Wolf of Wall Street)

Highest number of mentions:

Gravity: 25

This is the End: 19

The Wolf of Wall Street: 17

Stoker: 15

Mud: 8

Thor 2: 8

Captain Phillips: 7

2013 films I've seen:

Gravity - 99/100

The Wolf of Wall Street, 98/100
This is the End - 94/100

Blue is the Warmest Color - 93/100